Counting down to As...

Chinese Paladin has just ended and my Saturdays are EMPTY...but, at 12.30 am ( yes, late at night), there is a xiaozhu/jolin show!!! Yayness! My current favourite singer is Alan Luo Zhi Xiang or better known as Xiaozhu/Show. His multi-talentedness is simply adorable. Nonetheless, it is rather a pity that he could not speak in English.

Well, this week that has just ended was really a bother. I was dreadfully MUGGING for my economics and GP paper. Sighs! I hope I did well for both of them. Hey, I had to finish an Othello essay alongside revision!!! I cannot imagine that I slept at five (in the morning!) and could sit through the GP exam at eight! This is still far from over...I still need to sit through History and Literature Papers after the June Holidays. (YIKES!) More mugging for me I suppose...

Counting down to A levels: roughly 5 mths...(staring into blank space & freaking OUT)

Considering SECLUSION...

Today is Vesak Day and my DEAREST Lit teachers are giving us a test tomorrow. Oh well! Tomorrow also marks the last episode of my current favourite drama. (~sobs~) Enough about tomorrow. Like Zi Wei said: Life is about enjoying the moment, there is no point is worrying endlessly. The topic of today's blog is about human seclusion. I know that the topic may be a little strange but I believe it is worth considering...

A few weeks ago, I was beleaguered by problems concerning my friends at my current school. I keep having the feeling that I am not appreciated as a friend but instead USED. For instance, if friend A's friend is absent from school, friend A is exceptionally friendly to me and wants my company. On other days, I feel rather left out despite knowing they would not disagree on my presence in being with them. This feeling is not unfounded or irrational as whenever I am not with the group of friends, they would not bother asking for me. The thing is, I cannot abandon this group of friends as they are the closest companions I have in class. I realised that in life, one cannot expect companions of one's choice and would have to "go with the flow" at some point of time to "get ahead". I would like telling frankly to the group of friends I have now about how I feel but I am not prepared to commit to a serious friendship with them. It seems a little hypocritical to appear happy in front of them when I am not and I am not particularly good at hiding me feelings. Well, the world is rather hypocritical.

It was this that I thought of living in seclusion. Taoism, which in its originality, advocates individualism and social seclusion, suddenly appears attractive to me as an ideology. I pondered on how it would be like if I would leave the urban city of Singapore forever to set up a home on top of a green lushious mountain that is far away from civilisation. I would then not have to be plagued by social vices such as jealousy, selfishness, greed and so on. I realised that with society, mankind has to adapt to each other to ensure harmony and progress. But, with adaptation with others, we lose a bit of our individuality. I was really considering to run away to the mountains. I do not want to keep myself sad and depressed over friends who seek to betray or use me or acquaintances who befriend me for the sake of their own use. Nonetheless, I am held back by two things: my family and my dream.

1. My family is the only social unit in my life that I feel really appreciated. My family is the reason why I keep back from thoughts of suicide or giving up when facing setbacks. If I were to seclude myself, the first person who will be worried about me is my mother. Also, I will worry about the rest of the family. I am sure that I would miss them the most during my seclusion. I mean it...everyone of them (although I may not be close to all of them, all of them constitute the most memorable moments of my life and I doubt no one else could replace them)

2. My dream in this life is to have a HAPPY family of my own and to prove myself to be a SUCCESSFUL person. Living in the mountains would need me to abandon this dream. I would not leave this life feeling regretful that I have not achieved anything.

Well, I may consider this idea of seclusion when I am old and useless. I believe that at that point of time, I would be disregarded by society and my family members will have their own happy enough lives to lead to be concerned about me. Till then, I would have to try living with the society. The society whose members lead double lives to keep up with social expectations and yet following their inner desires.

Also,

I wish to include that I am grateful to all those true friends of mine who would stay by my side and never fail to brighten up my days.

Yun Ting - Thank you for your frankness. You made me realised that life is not a bed of roses.
Soon Ying - Thank you for your willingness to listen to my rantings and your worldly advice.
Indah - Thank you for being the best Malay classmate and friend. Your presence in Malay
class during Secondary 3 and 4 made Malay classes my favourite.
Kai Tian - Thank you for being the patient listening ear and my super-active partner in Secondary two. Your liveliness never fails to put a smile on my face!
Osha - Thank you for your willingness in listening to my blabberings for hours! Haha! You are indeed a fun person to talk to. I long to have another long conversation with you on the phone.
Khee Hoon -Thank you for appreciating and understanding me for who I am.
Zi Wei -Thank you for accompanying me on my lonely days. You never know how much I
appreciate your company.
Rubez - Thank you for pointing out my faults and making me grow out of my once-naive
perspective of the world

To all those FRIENDS whom I have not mentioned, thank you for being there in my life and making it less mundane and monotonous as it is. In conclusion, I end this entry with this quote dedicated to all my friends:

E. B. White:

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that.

Charlotte, "Charlotte's Web"